I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Couch. On fire.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
