i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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