Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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