I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
