Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
