Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
