I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
