Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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