so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ketchup is God's man juice
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
