I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
