She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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