New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize