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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?

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• (253): View more from Washington

  so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

  (253): View more from Washington

  no more ever clear

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.

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• (561): View more from Florida

  She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.

  (315): View more from New York

  How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??

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• (479): View more from Arkansas

  You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.

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• (289): View more from Ontario

  "you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"

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• (619): View more from California

  AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO

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• (714): View more from California

  He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.

  (1-714): View more from California

  I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass

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• (650): View more from California

  have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.

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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.

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• (907): View more from Alaska

  I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.

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