I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
