I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
