Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
