when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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