Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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