there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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