Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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