sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
50% drunk capacity currently
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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