I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
