I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
