I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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