I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
