Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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