just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
