I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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