There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize