I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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