I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
