Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
