she was so not down for the gang bang
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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