Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
