This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
