I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
