my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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