M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
