but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you didnt know i had herpes?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
