There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
