Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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