Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
