apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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