I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
