I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
