made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
