My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
