This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
