It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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