I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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