There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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