I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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