and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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