literally had 100 drinks last night.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
