I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
